Bad jokes and absent feelings
by Braxenimos
Summary: After her a cappella group was victorious at Nationals, Beca Mitchell was completely sure of what she wanted. It's just too bad she was also completely wrong. -Bechloe fluffs-


**Note: **_Whoa, this is like, something that isn't Jori! And it's from me! Right, well, it's always good to break away from your normal, right? _

_This is actually a birthday present for my Bechloe fanatic of a bestie. Happy Birthday, Dottles!_

_Oh, and this is my first attempt at a Bechloe story. So... be nice._

* * *

Excited. Yeah, that's what I was. I was excited. That's how I remember feeling, anyway.

I remember practically bouncing off of that stage with such excitement and assuredness. Well, it was bouncing for me, because I'm usually not in that much of a hurry to do much else. Most people would probably call it 'slightly faster walking'. Anyway, my all girl a cappella group, the Barden Bellas, had just given our surprise performance, and there was no doubt in my mind, or in anyone else's that recognized good music when they saw it, that we had just won nationals. It was invigorating. We had done it. We had actually done it. And, not only that, but I finally had a bit of clarity. At least, in that moment, I thought I did.

Before we had even finished singing, I knew what I wanted to do. There was a boy I wanted to kiss. So throughout the rest of that performance, that was all I could think about; which is probably a good thing. Don't you usually perform an act better when you're just doing it naturally and not thinking about it? I mean, despite what happened between me and him after that, I guess I should thank him for that. His distraction, as well as influence, kind of helped us out, after all. Especially since he was the one that lead me to realize the greatness of the song _Don't you forget about me_, which we included in our mash up. The mash up that had just won us the competition. Wow, I really do have a lot to thank him for.

Whatever. The point is… I was wrong. It wasn't clarity at all.

And now that I think about it, it _definitely_ wasn't clarity. I considered that to be me rushing at a thousand miles per hour to get to something that excited me, and yet, when I had heard my song on the campus radio station, I actually went running to Luke, my boss at the station. I was just so damn happy to hear it playing, I had to have confirmation from him. But this was a completely different walk. This was a walk that still held my usual calm, couldn't give a shit attitude. But if I've learned anything lately, it's that when something truly excites you and makes you happy, you won't hold the persona you put on any longer. No, you'll break free of it and burst with joy, no matter who you are. I thought I had rushed to him like it was the only place I ever wanted to or ever needed to be again, for the rest of my life. And I actually felt that way at first, for whatever reason.

He mumbled something weird about endings, which I had found cute, and I kissed him. But, it didn't feel right. I don't know why, it just didn't. So, I smiled at him, trying to force my way through those unexpected feelings and into the things I knew I was supposed to feel. I kept kissing, still hoping that I would reach that blissful place, but I didn't.

Pretty soon my eyes began to find other things around me. Which is funny, because I thought that in a moment like this, the only thing you could possibly care about is the person you're kissing. But no, I noticed the rest of my group making their exit to the right, one after the other. Aubrey gave pause to smile at me, and I guess that means she was okay with me dating a Treble at that point and my vocal chords wouldn't have to be ripped out by wolves. And Chloe, the redhead that had easily become my best friend. She paused the longest, not cheering and hollering like most of the rest of my group was, but offering me a smile as well. It was a small one. It was a sweet one. I liked that smile. I kind of want to see it again. It's one of those that just sort of lights up a room, makes you feel good inside. You know?

Right, well, my own smile started to fade once the girls were finally gone, including Chloe. I couldn't help it, I'm not going to put on a fake smile. That's just not who I am. It was bad enough that I had to fake it when I first joined the Bellas, but at least that smile had eventually grown into a genuine one. But giving a fake smile to someone who wanted to be with me would just be leading them on. Not even I am capable of something like that. So that's what I told him.

I'm fairly certain I said, "I'm so sorry, Jesse," way more than was necessary, but it was the truth. I really did like him. And for a while, there was no doubt in mind that I wanted to be with him. But sometimes things just don't… click. I honestly don't think there will ever be a worse feeling than that. Seeing the sadness wash over his face, the hurt, the disappointment. He had asked me why. He had asked me why I didn't want to be with him when every sign up until that point said that I did. Why did I even kiss him? Just… why? And I was at a loss for words. I didn't _know_ why. You can't explain something like that, and I wasn't even sure why. I just didn't want him like that. At least, not anymore. So I couldn't answer him, and he simply walked off. My silence had hurt him more than the rejection.

Oh my God. Maybe that's what Aubrey meant when she had us chant, "I solemnly swear never to have sexual relations with a Treblemaker, or may my vocal chords be ripped out by wolves." _Fuck me_. How right she was, and she doesn't even know it.

"Becs," a familiar female voice says next to me.

Slowly, my fingers pull away from my lips so that my head can turn to the direction of that voice. I had almost forgotten she was even here. I mean, how long was I even lost in thought? My elbow dug a nice painful dent into my thigh and my chin left a nice little red mark on the palm of my hand, where it had been resting. My gaze trails up from its previously placed home on the floor to find Chloe still lounging on my bed, peaking up over her textbook at me. She was studying, of course, and is actually pretty smart. Me? I was _trying_ to work on some more music, feeling the bite of the musically creative bug after our recent win against the Trebles, finally. But all that did was remind me of that day. It only reminded me of the look Jesse had given me just before he walked away and never talked to me again. I guess I don't blame him, though. After everything I had put him through up to that point, I'm surprised he hasn't come to my door and started yelling at me yet.

Chloe's book plopped down onto the bed as she let her wrists relax and she added to her previous name calling, "Are you okay? You seem a bit distracted."

And of course I haven't told her about what happened. Last she saw, me and Jesse were sharing what I can only imagine looked like the most painful kiss in history, but all of the Bella girls said it looked passionate. Am I good actress too? Did I really make a kiss I didn't enjoy seem believable? Jesus, that sounds horrible. Especially since it wasn't a scene in a movie; it was someone's real emotions. That's it, I'm officially a horrible person. Great, just add that to the list of crap I get to tell my grandchildren when they ask me about my life.

"Beca?" she says again, sitting up this time. I must have zoned out again. The hell is wrong with me lately?

"Yeah, no, I'm fine, Chloe." Well, that'll definitely win an award for most convincing line ever spoken. But, then again, I'm apparently the greatest actress of all time, remember? Maybe it did sound convincing, and she'll go back to reading whatever it is she's studying and never have to deal with my problems.

"No, you're not."

Oh, thank God. I'm a shitty actress after all. Maybe there's hope for me yet.

"It's…" I shake my head, avoiding her pretty blue eyes and sending my darker ones back to their apparent favorite spot on the floor. "It's nothing, Chlo."

She huffs, gives a roll of her eyes, and lifts away from her book, glaring at me with her sweet smile and waiting until I can't resist looking back at her before she speaks. "Beca Mitchell. You and I? We're what you call friends. Great friends. And great friends tell each other the things that are bothering them so that we can help each other through whatever it may be. Now, I've seen you naked. What else could you possibly have to share about yourself that reveals to me me more of you than I've already seen?"

I can't help but smile back at that, though it's not a huge light-up-the-room smile like hers, but more of one that's trying not to break free as I also bite the side of my tongue. And accompanying her smile is that of a playful smirk. She knows full and well that there is far more to a person than their body, and I guess this is her way of trying to get me to open up to her more? Although, the way she openly shared her nudeness with me in a surprise shower visit one time sort of says a lot about who she is as a person, and I guess it helps that she keeps her body in good shape. So it wasn't _that _bad to look at.

I return her huff and add a playful hint to my smile as well as I mock her previous actions. "It's just Jesse," I finally reveal.

"Just Jesse?" she questions. And in a heartbeat, she's swung her legs over the side of the bed and scooted down until she's in my face. "_Just_ Jesse? Beca, you were all over that man the other day, and he's obviously into you with a fierceness. What happened?"

"Look, I don't even know what happened. That's part of the reason I didn't tell you. One moment I was kissing him and I was happy and excited and sure of everything there is to be sure of… and the next, I'm the opposite of those things. It was like someone flipped a switch and it turned off the things I was supposed to be feeling." She stared at me the entire time I ranted, but not with a shocked face. She just… stared, still with a small smile. "I mean, who does that, Chloe? Who?"

"Humans," she tells me.

Really?

"Humans, Chloe? That's the answer you come back with? Hell, I know we're not perfect. I wasn't being _that _literal."

She shakes her head and rolls her pretty eyes again. Damn, I wish I had eyes like hers. "Maybe not, but I was. You're human, Beca. We can't always control what we feel. And it most certainly hardly ever makes any sense."

I raise a brow at her, expanding my smirk at the redhead. "And how is it you're so versed in these sorts of things, huh?"

"Just," she takes a pause, keeps her eyes on mine, and then says, "Trust me, I know."

"Okay then, miss knowledgeable smarty pants," I begin to say.

But she has to add, "Which doesn't make sense, but continue."

And I try not to laugh. "What do you propose I do? I really did feel like I wanted to be with him, and I still do, I think, but…" I groan and plop my back into my chair, causing it to roll back a few inches as I cover my now skyward facing eyes with the back of my hands. "I don't know what to do! Hell, Chloe, I don't even know what to feel right now."

"Well, you said you realized these lack of feelings during the kiss, right?"

My hands drop back to my sides and I sit up, discovering that Chloe scooted further down the bed, dangerously close to the edge, so that she could make up for the two inches I put between us.

"Right," I say, eyeing her a bit curiously.

"Well…" And she's hesitant with whatever her proposal is. Her eyes finally look away from mine, and for the first time, I see a bit of shyness creep into her expression. Maybe even nervousness. Which says something, because this is the girl who simply walked into my shower completely naked and never cared a single bit. "Maybe you should kiss someone else?"

Her icy blues find their way back to my deep ocean ones and quickly discover my rather perplexed expression. "What? How would that solve my problem? Chlo, there's no one else I have feelings for, as far as I'm aware. I just… I don't see how that would change anything. Other than making my situation even more confusing."

Somehow, she scoots even closer. "I just thought that maybe if you kissed someone else that you have an obvious connection with, then maybe it'll sort out your feelings?"

"You've lost me, Beale. What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Me, Beca! I'm talking about me!" she blurts out after a tiny little groan of her own.

"I still don't…"

She interrupts me again, bumping her knees into mine as she does so. "Look, you and I had an instant connection, right?"

"Debatable."

"Shut up, you know I'm right. My point is that maybe if you kiss me, right here and right now, it might give you a bit of clarity on what you're feeling."

I snicker at that. Clarity.

"But," I shake my head, somehow keeping my eyes glued to hers. "What about Tom? Or whatever his name was. You guys seemed quite chummy, if you know what I'm sayin'"

"Oh, he was just a boy. We didn't exactly have a very strong connection, if you know what _I'm _saying." She adds a little wink to the end of her statement, but, no… I really don't know what she's saying.

And before I can find words to speak with again, she decides to contribute more to her explanation about Tom. "And between you and me," she says, whispering for some odd reason. "His name wasn't actually Tom. Tom's his middle name, he hates his actual name."

I narrow my eyes at her and ask, "What's his real name then?"

"Richard."

This time I can't help but laugh. I've always found that name funny, mostly for the abbreviated version of it. Seriously, why do people change a letter of certain names when they're shortened? It makes no sense. _Especially, _when it comes to the name Richard.

"Still, though," I have to get another laugh out before continuing. "I saw you in the shower with him, Chloe. _Him._ You and I are both girls."

"So?" she asks with a carefree shrug of the shoulders, sliding her pink top further down her left one to reveal even more of her upper torso's skin than was already showing.

"So? So, since when are you gay? It's kind of hard to be gay when you're mounting Dick." It seriously just took every ounce of willpower I had not to burst out into fits of laughter at my own freaking joke. And I'm not even sorry.

She just shrugs, again, using her bare-skinned shoulder to do it. Is she… Is she trying to look cute right now? Really, Beale? You're flirting with me? My God, she even bit her bottom lip.

"Maybe I swing both ways," she finally says after her overly dramatic shrug comes to a halt.

"Well," Oh, look, a shrug of my own. Bet that shit wasn't cute, was it? "I don't."

"How will you know until you've tried it?"

Again, she baffles me this day. "How will I know? Because I just do, Chloe! There are some things that you jus-"

And before I know it, she kisses me. Her lips are soft, her touch is relaxing, and I actually enjoy it. It's quick, however, and she pulls away not long after, but not stopping but a few inches away as she stares into my eyes again. Man, it's a moment like this that I wish my eyes were as pretty as hers.

Her smile grows wider, and she says, "You're eyes are so pretty."

"No they're not," I answer without thinking.

She just rolls her eyes again, hiding them from me for a moment. "So, what did you think? Did you like it? Or did you feel a similar disappointment to the Jesse kiss?"

"Well," I smile back. It's a big smile. It's an uncontrollable one that makes me feel completely out of character. "My vocal chords certainly don't feel like they've been ripped out this time."

She kisses me again, and says against my lips, "That's because you don't have to worry about trusting me with anything, I'm not _Treble,_" and then she's the one laughing at her own stupid joke.

* * *

_This is intended as a one shot, but you never know. I could feel inspired to turn it into a full story one day. _

_So tell me what you guys thought about it!_


End file.
